Positive Assertiveness & Confidence

Positive assertiveness and self-confidence are interrelated concepts. One enhances the development of the other. They develop in parallel as both have at their center caring for and developing ourselves.

Many of us wonder why we don't always get what we think we deserve, either from our jobs or from our loved ones. What we need to ask ourselves to find the answer is

a) do we ask for what we want? b) if so, in what way?

There are 3 ways to claim what we want, and one of them will most often lead us to conquer it.

Passive assertiveness: in this form of assertiveness we ask for what we want in a defeatist manner as if we have already foreordained the negative outcome. We show special respect for the rights and needs of others without satisfactorily defending our own rights. In this case we have first denied ourselves what it deserves and then others follow. A non-assertive person will often think about how to respond after the opportunity to respond has already passed.

Aggressive assertiveness: in this case we behave as if only we have rights and needs which others "must" cover. We do not recognize or are indifferent to the rights of others and violate their boundaries in order to get what we want. Such behavior may lead to temporary "wins", especially when dealing with weaker and insecure people, but in the end it turns out that we have lost more than we have gained. A person who habitually reacts aggressively and becomes more exaggerated in his reactions can leave a deep negative impression, which he usually regrets later.

Positive assertion: in this way we recognize and respect the rights of others and at the same time defend our rights by setting our own boundaries. We express our views and opinions in an honest, straightforward and appropriate manner, without demeaning neither others nor ourselves. We express our thoughts and feelings -whether positive or negative- and give our own assessment of the situation. In addition, we are receptive to both positive and negative comments from others.

Why adopt assertive behavior?

Assertive behavior is a necessary element of interpersonal relationships as it promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to defend our interests, defend ourselves, express our feelings and exercise our personal rights without denying the rights of others. Claiming something does not mean that I am infringing on the rights or the personality of the other person, nor that I am ignoring the needs of the other person.

Adopting positive assertive behavior promotes self-confidence, which in turn empowers the individual to work towards claiming what they want. We need to feel good about ourselves and our abilities in order to claim something, but at the same time claiming things boosts our confidence.